Grass Fed Christian Math & Other Homeschool Shibboleths

Sometimes we Christians are a funny bunch.  I wish we could say everyone is laughing with us, but sometimes if we’re honest, everyone is laughing…

… um, next to us.

We can’t help it if our zeal gets a little out of control once in a while, or if our religious passion whips our denim jumpers into a frenzy, can we? I mean, we don’t get out much*, us homeschoolers, so it’s hardly a surprise that when we do we can get a little weird.

Slightly odd.

A tad eccentric.

*That was a joke. Homeschoolers get out all the time.

Christian Homeschool Shibboleths

Really, we’re just living up to our reputation as weird, unsocialized Christian homeschoolers. Because being homeschooled is loony enough, but boy, you add in some religion and we’re unintentionally funnier than a barrel of monkeys.

Have you ever heard these strange topics of conversation between homeschoolers? (Because I have.)

I’m looking for a Christian-based math curricula. I can’t imagine why those are so hard to come by…

Well, perhaps it’s because 1 + 1 = 2 no matter the theology.

I suppose you could write your own word problems using loaves and fishes or the dimensions of the ark or figuring out how many saints beget how many other saints but it seems a little complicated if you ask me.

There are a lot of numbers in Revelation but I’m a bit concerned that little Susie could be traumatized for life if you go that route. After all, adding the eyeballs on the creatures with the wings to the pair of scales from the rider of Hades and multiplying the sum by the number of mountains which fell on the ungodly and dividing by the third of the living things in the ocean of blood could be rewritten as:

(The number of years of therapy it will take for Susie to get those images out of her brain) + (the cost of the psychologist) = more money than you have.

And there is no way to make algebra into a Christian-friendly activity. Algebra is strictly from Lucifer himself and must be avoided. So says I. As are crafts and science experiments. I’m working on a thesis for this theory so stay tuned.

I won’t shop at So-and-So or eat at McPagan’s because they don’t subscribe to my values

I agree with buying from local growers/entrepreneurs/distributors whenever possible but I draw a line at asking if that beef was grass fed, organic, free ranged, and solid on the doctrine of sanctification and justification.

Are these eggs cage free and solid on the idea of Total Depravity?

Is this salmon wild caught and free from evolution? Although if we’re going to eat good ol’ Bessie, I suppose making sure she was baptized first wouldn’t hurt.

I can’t join THAT homeschooling group; they’re *gasp* SECULAR!

They also may have better cookies so don’t limit yourself. And their talent shows may be slightly less cringe worthy.

I teach my kids to turn their heads in shame if they accidentally catch sight of a Disney image

You may disagree but I don’t think scantily clad Ariel in her seashell brassiere is going to cause anyone to stumble. And Belle won’t teach your daughter to worship talking tea pots and Cinderella won’t instruct anyone on the dark arts of pumpkin conjuring and Snow White won’t encourage Susie to run off and live in sin with seven men at once.

I promise.

It’s just imagination and imagination comes from a very creative Creator. (But if you want to boycott reruns of Shake it Up, I’m with you.)

I heard J.K. Rowling is a devil worshiper

Please don’t email me. I know this is a touchy subject that divides people every bit as much as baptismal regeneration, did the Holocaust exist, breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, and Republican or Democrat, but I just can’t be convinced of the unparalleled evil of a well-written book about a boy who flies on a broomstick and helps vanquish bad guys.

Since God has seen supernatural wickedness the likes of which we cannot imagine, I just don’t think that paintings that come alive or wizards in long beards or three headed dogs were what He was talking about when He warned us to stay away from things we cannot understand. And Ms. Rowling has gotten far more hate mail than prayers from Christians up on their own high horses.

If we throw out Harry Potter, we’d better toss in the Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, Shakespeare, Lewis Carroll, all fairy tales, Dr. Seuss, The Wizard of Oz, and Pippi Longstocking (oh come on, you know she wasn’t lifting that horse on her own power! She must have had help from the Dark One).

Halloween is Satan’s birthday and Santa Claus is his evil minion

Halloween is an excuse for you to eat all your kid’s candy, saving them from cavities. Win win. And I love Santa. I still believe. I still hear the bell.

The purity and innocence of tiny humans falling asleep with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads is a memory to cherish for a lifetime. A man in a far off kingdom, readying gifts for those who believe in him, rewarding good and not rewarding bad… sound familiar? What a wonderful way to parallel the gospel if you ask me.

And as far as I know Satan doesn’t have a birthday.

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Once upon a time, God saw that this world was good. It may not be flawless any longer but thanks to our freedom in Christ we are able to thank Him for his provision of high quality literature, a DVD for Susie to watch while Mommy takes her bi-weekly shower, some stale Halloween candy for a mid-afternoon pick-me-up, some scrambled eggs from a decidedly non-Christian hen, and math that doesn’t even touch on the immaculate conception.

Don’t fret: it’s still His world. We’re just living in it.

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