In these tumultuous times, with worries, pandemics, wars, and elections looming over us like a dark cloud of death, the most important thing we can do to protect ourselves and our loved ones is…
… to get involved in as many arguments as possible.
That’s right. It’s practically your civic duty.
But if there’s no point in getting into an argument unless you’re going to win it.
As the inspirational hockey Coach Reilly loved to say, “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big.”
Well, just in time for your next big Facebook debate, here’s how.
7 Steps to Winning an Argument
Without flow sheets and proper organization, it is easy to get overwhelmed in your daily arguing.
But thankfully I am here to give you the solution and the know-how to win any argument in seven simple steps.
STEP ONE: FACTS
You need to back up your arguments with facts.
These facts are simple to find.
Not everyone knows this, but here’s a secret: you can find facts to back up any claim anywhere, anytime, anyplace.
Yes, it’s true!
A quick typing into the ol’ search bar will yield you exactly what you want to hear (which you can then spread like wildfire). You’ll likely even find many facts related to your position (I know!) so make sure you bookmark the ones that sound the most plausible, so you can go back for a double whammy later on.
If, however, someone demands you provide the links to your newly discovered and totally correct argument, it’s always best to appear frustrated over this person’s lack of interweb detecting.
Enter your reply with first the word, sigh, spelled out in large letters, because indeed, it is irritating that they would not do the work themselves, as you yourself so obviously did.
Follow up that majestic sigh with:
I simply do not have the time to do the digging myself, you say. I suggest you do what I did: spend an entire three minutes researching and coming to my own correct conclusions.
STEP TWO: NUMBERS
Use numbers. Percentages are great, as are fractions and decimals. Mainly because nothing scares most grown adults like math.
54% of people will be affected by this! That is a good place to start any argument.
3 out of 4 women will experience this! If that fails to illicit enough alarm and panic in your social media world, try upping the percentage.
Eventually, even those who are bad at math will have their dumb eyes open because they’ll realize the odds of them being in the 98.97% will likely include them.
If you’re good with numbers, you can really knock down your opponent a notch. Or 11/12 worth of notches.
If they are having difficulty keeping up with the number crunching in the argument, it’s always good to hit them where it hurts: bring up their mathematical insecurities by saying something like, I can’t have a civilized conversation with someone who obviously didn’t pass Algebra. Come back when you’ve studied for your GED.
You will have won an argument they didn’t even know they were having.
And thus you will have also won the original argument, as your opponent will be too teary for a comeback.
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STEP THREE: MEMES
Use memes. Lots and lots of witty memes, that look very professional, preferably with Morgan Freeman or Oprah or Jimmy Fallon on them.
Nothing, and I mean, nothing says irrefutable FACT like a meme with a celebrity on it.
Add quotes* for authenticity and a general air of condescension.
*NOTE: Quotes do not need to be attributed accurately to said celebrity.
Honestly, you cannot win an argument without memes. Without them, you’ll look like a sad sack and an amateur.
So collect memes like you collect spoons! Delete photos of your kids if you have to so you have the storage space to store plenty of scathing memes!
We’re not playing around here. This is war.
P.S. Gifs work okay too.
STEP FOUR: MISDIRECTION AND MANIPULATION
Use righteous indignation and misdirection.
If your opponent is backing you into a corner, either because their meme game is stronger than yours or you are failing at made-up math statistics, get angry.
Use acerbic sentences like, I can’t even.
For extra emphasis, put periods where there should not be periods:
I. Can’t. Even.
Or add unnecessary paragraphs.
I.
Can’t.
Even.
Another good one, you’re not serious, right? This implies they are so unbelievably dumb that you can’t… well, you can’t even.
Misdirection is key when in the heat of an argument. You must make your enemy feel confused about what they’re even arguing about, and the best way to do that is to attack from a new angle.
The emoji with a face-palm when they write something that looks suspiciously like maybe they’ve done some actual research will also suffice.
This may not always work with your opponent themselves, but by golly, it will totally plant doubt in the minds of everyone else on the thread, and that is a good day’s work.
STEP FIVE: NAME CALLING
Don’t be afraid of calling people out for what they are: educated human beings who want to have a friendly discourse with you self-serving, ignorant, haters, who probably abuse their children unless they don’t have any, live off food stamps or know someone who does, divorced, married, haters of the military, or lovers of the military, masked, or unmasked, people who voted for Trump, or voted for HRC, vaccinate, or don’t vaccinate, homeschool their children, or either send them to public school, city slickers, or someone who just came down from the mountain.
There are a lot of scathing names you can use when confronting someone who makes you uncomfortable, and you can feel free to copy and paste the ones I’ve provided.
STEP SIX: NAME CALLING 2.0
Call them a Karen. This is a strong closer so don’t use it too early on in the argument. It’s best to save it for when they have so obviously used their coup de grâce on you (like using fancy phrases from other languages, showing off their medical degree, or using their own real life experience).
Ok, Karen is literally all you have to say. Then make your elegant getaway.
You’ll look like you won and everyone will love your wit and sage words of wisdom.
NOTE: Now taking suggestions for male Karens. Bill? Greg? Kevin?
STEP SEVEN: EVERYTHING I HATE IS HITLER
Lastly, just compare everything and everyone you hate to Hitler.
Case.
Closed.
Important Takeaways for Healthy Debate
Please remember these important points:
- Any argument can be won with these seven steps.
- Some very strong arguments and enemies will need all seven, while in most online bickering, one or two will suffice.
- Nothing feels better in a politically, racially, theologically charged environment than to win someone’s petty debate fair and square. Come at me! you’ll feel like saying to everyone who dares to disagree even minutely on any point, on any given day, about any tiny thing. They’ll never even know what hit them as they lie bleeding (figuratively of course) in the dirt and you stand over them triumphant, wielding the sword of truthiness, and the breastplate of self-righteousness.
- By winning arguments in this way, you will amass a following of adoring and fawning individuals, all of whom think exactly like you do, thus never causing you to change in any way, ever.
This, my friends, is living life to the full. Don’t agree?
Come at me, Karen.
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