I’ve been thinking.

When my kids are grown and move out (I’m down to only one ankle-biter at the moment and since he’s much taller than I am, he’s more of a forehead biter) I’m going to visit them.

A lot.

Probably for 2-3 weeks at a time.

The hubs and I already decided we are all about RV living, and we are totally here for some eccentric senior citizen behavior.

AKA payback.

A Simple Plan for Visiting My Grown Kids

Here are my ideas for when I come a’ callin’.

(Payback is a mother.)

1. Food

I will demand a certain spread for dinner, practically faint from the hunger I feel when they take too long to prepare it, and then refuse to partake when it is on the table.

2. Promises

I will promise to be good when they need to run errands.

But I will lie.

3. Bananas, Etc.

I will want to eat lots of bananas, but when my kids peel it wrong or it breaks in half, I will cry and flop onto the kitchen floor in despair.

Same goes for tacos, and graham crackers that don’t break perfectly along the perforations.

4. Waste Not

I will eat so much yogurt at their friend’s house that they will rush out and buy a case of the same brand and flavor of yogurt for me at home.

But I won’t eat it.

5. Flushing

I will never, never, ever flush the toilet.

6. Incontinence

I will use each and every public restroom in town, even if I went right before leaving the house.

And when they wait outside the door, I will fling it open and shout victoriously, “I pooped!” to everyone within a square mile.

7. Board Games

I will take all the pieces out of their board games and playing cards and spread them all over the house. Oh, they’ll find them eventually and sort them out. But they will never find one piece from each game.

8. Coat Closet

In my efforts to hang up my coat all by myself I will knock down every other one in the closet, but pretend not to notice.

9. Sleep Schedule

I will keep them up at night and then cheerfully enjoy my nap that afternoon while they wash my laundry.

10. Affection

I will eat a lot of Goldfish crackers and then hug and kiss them. They’ll be wearing a white cashmere sweater at the time.

11. Baths

I will use up every drop of their salon conditioner in one bath time, but shrug in confusion if they confront me.

12. Snacks

I will crush up a bag of cheerios and distribute evenly in the couch cushions.

13. Exercise

I will ride my bike in their house. Preferably right after they mop.

14. Assistance Required

I will climb a tree and get stuck. I will wail and scream for help until they climb up and carry me down. Same goes at the McDonald playground.

15. Curiosity

I will say embarrassing and questionable things when they invite the family minister over for coffee.

16. Memory

I will forget everything they say so that they have to repeat it over and over again.

17. Basic Manners

I will shout for them from across the house all day. Even if they’re right beside me, I will go downstairs or upstairs purposefully so that I can shout something.

18. Emergencies

Every time they need to talk on the phone I will suddenly need something RIGHT NOW, even if I have completely ignored them prior to the phone call.

19. Plausible Deniability

I will hide their jewelry and their car keys often.

20. Picture Perfect

I will dress myself in orange stripes and purple paisley and moon boots and I will cut my own bangs without a mirror right before we go for family pictures.

21. Cart Safety

When they take me grocery shopping I will want to ride in the car shaped cart. But whenever they are in a tight squeeze in an aisle or trying to pay and can’t get to the front of the car to get me out, I will suddenly sustain an earsplitting and horrible injury.

22. Groceries

When they are loading up their groceries, I will always disappear around the wrong side of the car.

23. Morning Routines

I will wake them up extra early on weekends.

24. Sunday Best

I will be on my worst behavior on the Lord’s Day so that they feel the need to curse all the way to church and then pretend to be super happy and holy when they get there.

25. Body Odor

I will eat their deodorant.

26. Best Foot Forward

They will be so proud of my accomplishments for my age that they will want to show me off to their friends whose parents aren’t as smart as me. But I will just pick my nose.

27. Books

I will scribble in their books. Probably just the library books though.

28. Photos

When they try to take a picture of me I will screw up my face and stick out my tongue and put bunny ears on the person next to me. Every. Single. Time.

29. Affection, Part II

I will eat lots of pickles and ranch dressing and fish sticks and garlic sauce, and then want to cuddle.

30. Hide & Seek

I will remove all their phone chargers and hoard them like a Mexican drug lord. When they ask me I will act completely offended and/or baffled.

31. Showing Appreciation

I will plug my nose in order to swallow their disgusting cooking experiments that took them all day to prepare.

32. Using Sinks

I will load up a water gun with toothpaste and water and spray all over the bathroom mirror. Every. Day.

33. Rubbish

I will hide my wrappers and other trash in places all around the house even though it would be faster and easier to just throw it away.

34. Ear Buds

I will have ear buds in all the time, causing them to mime taking them out so they can talk to me at least eleventy-seven times per day.

35. Veggies

I will only eat my vegetables if there is the promise of dessert.

36. Bowls

I will store various pieces of cutlery and plates and bowls under my bed, but act insulted when I am accused of such behavior.

37. Activities

I will have lots of activities they will need to drive me to and I will make sure to change the radio station to something they hate.

38. Communication

I will remind them of their middle school years by rolling my eyes and grunting a lot. There will also be tears and door slamming at every golden opportunity but for no real reason.

39. Daily Life

I will balance precariously on a chair tipped back on one leg, draw on their table idly when bored, and pretend not to know how to load a dishwasher.

40. Helping Out

Speaking of dishwashers, I will “accidently” put a dirty dish in a clean but unloaded dishwasher ONCE, and then feel justified by never putting another dish in said dishwasher EVER AGAIN because “I didn’t know if it was clean or not.”

It will be SAWEET.


I love my kids with all of my black little heart.

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Revenge of the Mama