Do you ever feel ignored and inconsequential by your offspring?
Do you find yourself muttering under your breath,
Hello? Why do I bother talking at all?
Do you find yourself wondering if perhaps you are Bruce Willis’ character in The Sixth Sense and have been dead for a while now, and just haven’t accepted the fact?
Do I have a plan for you! Not really, no. But you can try what I tried one day…
I ran away.
My Epic Adventure: How I Ran Away From It All
First, I packed my bag.
I took what any good, self respecting woman would want with her on her Epic Adventure:
- The novel I hadn’t gotten past the intro to in like, four years
- That lovingly scrapbooked journal I had made a while back that said Mommy in calligraphy but you couldn’t see it anymore due to the toddler’s scribbling and the spilled oatmeal
- Bath salts that expired in 2008
- A wedge of cheese
- Some chocolate covered espresso beans
- and my pillow.
I thought about taking the cat that was curled around my ankles, but then I remembered I don’t have a cat and that I just hadn’t shaved my legs in a month.
At first I was going to sneak out, leave a note, that kind of thing, but then I thought, why bother? I mean, they really need to see what they’ve reduced me to.
So I strolled out casually through the living room, my pack on my back, hobo style.
No one noticed.
I moved in front of the television where cartoons were on.
Evidently, I was not dead, since I was politely asked to move since I was blocking Squidward.
I cleared my throat loudly.
Still, no reaction, besides the munching of popcorn that suddenly sounded suffocating and was making me oddly claustrophobic.
“Thank you for making these cute gremlins with me,” I kissed my husband, fondly. “Please enjoy them for the rest of your life. I’ll not forget to write, my love.”
“Uh huh. Can you get milk while you’re out?”
I waved farewell to the gremlins in rodeo queen fashion. They batted nary an eye.
I let the door slam a bit on my way out. Inside, I could hear muffled voices.
They were talking about me! Oh good, they noticed!
I pressed my ear to the door and decided to start in on the chocolate covered espresso beans. I’d need the energy for all the train hopping and adventuring I’d be doing soon. I’d probably befriend a group of children pickpockets, or sail down the Mississippi in a homemade boot in a manner of minutes.
But first, I’d see what my children were saying concerning my absence.
She’ll be back, I heard my daughter say, confidently. She just needs to assert her independence.
She’s definitely testing us, isn’t she? my son mused. I hear it’s pretty common at her age.
I think she just feels bad about that Tuna Surprise she made the other night, the hubs chimed in. I told you to smile more through your tears, kids! Take one for the team, for goodness sake.
Are you going to go get her? She forgot the car keys again.
Pshaw! Car keys? Who takes the car on their Epic Adventure? Automobiles are for pansies.
She’ll turn around when she gets cold. It’s getting dark outside. We should probably just pretend we didn’t notice – she’ll be embarrassed when she gets back. I hope she remembers milk though.
I hope she gets back soon…
My heart swelled!
… I need her to French braid my hair tonight so it’s curly tomorrow. I want to look cute for choir practice! Brad is going to be there!
This wasn’t working. They weren’t missing me nearly enough. I eyed the tree house carefully as it began to rain.
It would have to do.
Even Epic Adventurers know to seek shelter during weather.
I shimmied up the tree with the grace of Catwoman, or maybe an inebriated bear.
It was dark and cold and I wished I had brought my flashlight. The fur on my ankles helped a bit with the cold though. I longed for a Jane Austen movie marathon and some hot cocoa from the safety and comfort of my Cheerio strewn bed.
What was I doing? Had I gone round the bend? Maybe being invisible wasn’t such a bad thing! After all, I could test the limits of my invisibility powers and finish off that sponge cake in the kitchen.
My decision made, I sauntered back into the house, all casual like.
No one mentioned my Epic Adventure, but I was pretty sure I they had missed me a bit. Their hugs were a bit longer and tighter and even the teenager said she loved me.
Or maybe she said she loved Brad.
It was hard to hear through the munching of sponge cake.